By the Way, Sex is for You Too - Happy Marriage #2
(This is the second in a series of four emails that are designed to help you enjoy a fun, sexy and happy marriage.)
Hi friend -
Do you ever feel like your sex life isn't really about you? That it's primarily about your husband and his wants and needs, not yours? Do you even wonder if you have any wants and needs when it comes to sex?
If so, you're in good company. Many, if not most, married women know that feeling. I knew it for many years, and I still battle against it at times.
See if this sounds familiar. The feeling often begins after children arrive, as stress increases, sleep decreases, and schedules become packed with responsibilities. Because, for many women, sensual and sexual feelings decrease as stress and fatigue increase - they just get pushed into the background.
Before long, interest in sex and intimacy seems to have disappeared - along with a great sex life. After a few years, you begin to wonder if you have a low libido, aren't really interested, or just aren't a sexual person.
Does that seem familiar to you?
If so, you're definitely not alone. The reality, though, is that you are a sexual person. God created sex and intended for you to enjoy it fully in your marriage. Your body is perfectly designed for it (for example, the clitoris has no other purpose!).
The catch is, it can be harder for you to enjoy sex and intimacy than it is for your husband. So, over time, one or both of you may decide it isn't worth effort.
But it definitely is worth the effort; it's worth every bit of time and energy you put into it.
And when you accept that sex is an important part of your life, and when you begin to enjoy it (again or for the first time), you and your marriage will reap tremendous rewards.
(By the way, if anyone in your life is suggesting (or outright saying) that sex isn't about you, that it's only about your husband - that person is wrong. Sadly, some churches, families and cultures believe that sex is primarily for men. That's a lie, and I'm sorry if you've learned that message. I know it's hard to move past it. If you're in that situation, I encourage you to read some sex-positive books, blogs and other resources that can help you develop a new way of thinking.)
If you're a wife who's forgotten that you deserve a great sex life too, I encourage you to reclaim it's place in your life. It's so much more than "something you do for your husband."
If you're ready to take steps to rediscover your sexual side and create a fabulous sex life for yourself and your marriage, here are 3 things that can help you get started:
• Read, think and pray about it. Start by reading the articles linked below or some of the articles and books on the Sex and Marriage Resources page. Think about your sexuality and figure out how it may have gotten off track. Pray about it - God wants you to enjoy a great sex life in your marriage.
- How Not to Think About Sex by The Forgiven Wife - Chris shared beautifully in this article how she thought for many years that sex was only about her husband. When she finally understood that sex was for her too, it changed everything. The article really spoke to me, because I saw snapshots of myself in it. I believe every woman who has ever felt that sex is an obligation, rather than a pleasure, will be encouraged by her story.
- How Libido Works for Women by Hot, Holy and Humorous - Sheila Gregoire wrote this guest post to explain how women's libidos often differ from men's, and what women can do to engage their libidos and enjoy sex and intimacy.
And start a conversation with your husband. Yes, this can be difficult, and it may feel very awkward at first. But it's important to say what you've been thinking about and learning, and to hear what he has to say. The odds are good that he'll be thrilled for you to rediscover (or discover for the first time) your sexuality and to recognize that you deserve a great sex life too.
• Figure out what you need and how you're going to get it. Once you understand that your sex drive is different from your husband's (and that it's perfectly normal!), determine how to get from where you are to where you want to be - namely, enjoying a great sex life in your marriage.
For example, you may realize that you need time to unwind at the end of the day - instead of working from sunup to sundown before collapsing into bed! Or you may need more conversation with your husband, to feel like the two of you are really connecting.
Or you may need to get in touch with your body, through exercise, dance, massage, stretching or something else that makes you feel good. Or you may need to do something entirely different.
In fact, you'll probably identify several things you need to do in order to begin embracing your sexuality, increasing your libido, and beginning to enjoy sex.
Then think about how you're going to get the thing(s) you need. Do you need to enlist your husband's help in order to have time to unwind at the end of the day? Do you and your husband need to set aside time every week to connect outside of the bedroom? Do you need to start taking better care of yourself? Do you need make time to research and read about sexuality in women?
And don't worry if all of this takes time (and it probably will). Take small steps and celebrate every bit of progress you make.
• Get started. The only way to embrace your sensual side and create a great sex life in your marriage is to begin making changes. So pick one thing and try it this week.
Maybe you need to have that conversation with your husband or to ask for what you need. Maybe you need to start a healthy eating or exercise program that will help you feel good about your body.
Maybe you need to begin to take simple steps to feel sexier or to embrace your sensual side. Maybe you need to start taking some time for yourself every day, rather than focusing on other people 24/7.
Just get started and see where it takes you.
Despite what you may have heard or experienced in the past, sex is about you too. It's not just something for your husband or an obligation you need to check off your "to do" list.
If you sometimes feel that way (and may women do) I encourage you to give some of the ideas and resources in this article a try. It won't be easy or quick, but you can develop your sensual side and create an intimate and enjoyable sex life in your marriage.
More information on the blog:
Ebooks, guides and courses (Get 25% off these ebooks and guides by using the code FRIEND25 at checkout)
Boost Your Libido – online video course by Sheila Gregoire (affiliate link)
(Important note: If you have significant physical or emotional health issues related to sex and intimacy, please seek the help of a physician and/or professional counselor. Also, the ideas included in this article (and the links) are intended to encourage women in reasonably healthy marriages. If you're in a difficult, unhealthy or abusive marriage, they won't be helpful to you. If that's the case, please seek professional help in your community.)
I hope that these ideas are helpful to you. If you want to let me know, just reply to this email - I'd love to hear from you.
P.S. Sex is for you too, NOT just your husband. If that's hard for you to believe, use the three steps outlined in this email, plus resources that can help you embrace your sensuality and sexuality and boost your libido to help you reclaim your sexual side.
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