What If You Don't Feel Sexy? Happy Marriage #3

(This is the third in a series of four emails that are designed to help you enjoy a fun, sexy and happy marriage.)

Hi friend -

Do you often feel about as sexy as a ratty old sweater? (Or is that just me…) Do you think that feeling sexy is just for young women – or even just for young women who look like supermodels? Did you feel sexy at some point in your life, but feel like you just won't ever get it back?

If so, you're definitely not alone.

For many of us, feeling sexy is just about the last thing on our minds most of the time! Almost everything about women's lives in the 21st century seems designed to ensure that fact - from media messages to busyness to financial stress to fatigue. The goal of feeling sexier just doesn't seem realistic.

But it shouldn't be that way! Feeling sexy and enjoying sex with our husbands should be one of the greatest joys of our lives. It should be fun, relaxing and liberating.

But that's not the case for many women.

If it's not the case for you, decide to take a step-by-step approach to making changes that will help you feel sexier over the next few months. Think of it as a process, because no one goes from feeling like frumpy, tired mom to sexy, energetic wife in a single step!

If you're tired of that ratty old sweater feeling, here are 5 things to do over the next few months, starting today:

5 Simple Ways to Start Feeling Sexier

• Remember that knowledge is power. Although we live in a sex-saturated culture, sometimes we don't have all the information we need in order to feel sexy. And sometimes, the information we have is just plain wrong. If you think that may be the case for you, consider focusing first on learning more about your own sexuality.

Because sometimes, a little bit of new information can be a very good thing! Like when I realized that I was perfectly normal, even though my typical sexual response is completely different from my husband's. Yeah, that was a game changer for me, because when I thought that my sexuality was "wrong" or "broken," it was very difficult to feel sexy!

Maybe for you it would be helpful to know how stress and fatigue affect libido, and what to do about it. Or to understand how hormonal contraception might be affecting your libido. Or any of 100 other little facts and tips that can turn on a "light bulb" in your brain - and body. If you think that learning something new might be a good place for you to start, check out the books and blogs on the Sex and Marriage Resources page.

• Get involved with sex-positive resources. The number of resources now available to married women who want to enhance their sexuality boggles the mind! Our mothers had very little to help them, and our grandmothers had almost nothing, but we have more than we can manage. Perhaps your first step could be to start reading and following a sex-positive blog or two. Or to follow the Facebook pages or Twitter accounts of those blogs, and get involved in their comments and conversations. I've learned so much from the women who created those resources, and they've helped me develop a sex-positive attitude in my marriage.

Or, if you have women friends who are open to talking about or studying sex and intimacy, get together with them and encourage each other. Also, check out this new sex podcast for married women. I'm honored to be a part of it with three awesome Christian marriage bloggers. We're sitting around the "table" (albeit we live in four different states) and chatting about sex topics of interest to married women.

• Learn to love your body. Many women don't feel sexy because they don't feel beautiful - in fact, they feel extremely negative about their bodies. Our culture contributes to these negative feelings, but we often feed them. Perhaps you need to focus on learning to feel good about your body or choosing to be beautiful. (I certainly do!)

This could involve identifying and playing up your best physical features, standing up straight and walking with confidence (remember - confidence is very attractive), starting an exercise program, losing some weight, wearing clothes that flatter you, or anything else that helps you feel more confident and sexy. And check out J. Parker's series on real beauty at Hot, Holy and Humorous - it's very uplifting and encouraging.

• Find your libido. Many women think they've lost their libido, or believe they never had one in the first place. In most cases, though, it's not lost or missing - it's buried under a lot of stuff. Some of that stuff, like busyness and fatigue, is fairly easy to address and some of it, like childhood sexual abuse or serious marriage problems, is not. (If you're dealing with serious issues that affect your sexuality, please seek help from a professional counselor to deal with them.)

If your libido has "gone missing," you may want to take steps to find it over the next few months. Consider the ways that slowing down, relaxing a bit, and taking some time to enjoy your life might help you reduce stress and reconnect with your libido. Try things that have helped other women, such as exercising regularly or trying essential oils that may enhance sexuality.

A great resource is my friend Bonny's blog, Pearl's Oyster Bed, which focuses solely on helping low-libido wives renew their interest in sex and intimacy. And Sheila Gregoire has created an entire online course (affiliate link), Boost Your Libido, which is a fantastic resource for finding and increasing your libido.

• Talk about it. Talk about sex? Who wants to do that? Yes, conversations about sex can be difficult, and nobody wants to have difficult conversations. But if a lack of sex and intimacy is an issue in your marriage, it may be time to start talking. Perhaps your first step could be something simple, like reading an article and sharing it with your husband. Or simply sharing with him that you're frustrated and want to work on feeling sexier, but aren't sure where to begin.

Or maybe you know of something that's blocking your feelings of intimacy or ability to enjoy sex with him, and you need to bring it up. (I've been there. It isn't fun, and sometimes you have to bring it up more than once. But it's worth it.) If communication about sex is an issue, consider planning and taking some steps (one at a time) to open up the conversation.

• Take action. Sometimes the best way to move forward is to move gradually out of our comfort zones. Very often, it just takes a little bit of action to help us move from feeling neutral (or even negative) about sex and intimacy, to feeling very, very positive! If your approach to sex is always to wait and react to your husband, it may be time to take some small steps yourself.

Like flirting with him or sending him suggestive texts or emails. Or creating a sexy mood, with lighting, scents, food or wine. Or breaking out the lingerie - not the scratchy, ridiculous stuff, but something that makes you feel sexy. Or planning a romantic activity for the two of you. Or initiating sex once in a while.

Or - and this may be the most important step of all - making some time and space in your life in which to create a meaningful sex life in your marriage. Because busyness and a life with no margins is truly the enemy of feeling sexy.

Give these ideas a try and see how they work for you. And if you need additional ideas and resources, here are some you may like + a 25% discount code:

Additional resources (To get 25% off these ebooks and guides, use the code FRIEND25 at checkout)

• The Guide to Romantic Essential Oils
  
• Healthy Life, Happy Marriage
  
• 25 Ways to Feel Sexy
• More marriage resources

Boost Your Libido – online video course by Sheila Gregoire (affiliate link)

I know that making these changes can be hard, bit they can make a big difference in your life and marriage. Let me know how it goes – I'd love to hear from your.

(Important note: If you have significant physical or emotional health issues related to sex and intimacy, please seek the help of a physician and/or professional counselor. Also, the ideas included in this email are intended to encourage women in reasonably healthy marriages. If you're in a difficult, unhealthy or abusive marriage, they won't be helpful to you. If that's the case, please seek professional help in your community.)

I hope that these ideas are helpful to you. If you want to let me know, just reply to this email - I'd love to hear from you.

P.S. You CAN feel sexy again, but it may take some work and effort. Try following the 5 steps outlined in this email, and check out these resources that can help you embrace your sensuality and sexuality and boost your libido.